Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm so Happy for You ... I Think

I feel really awful right now.

It's finally happened.

This is the first time I heard about someone getting engaged without feeling total joy for her.

Someone I know, who's a year younger than me and just back from seminary, gets a mazel tov. I knew she was going out because I saw her get into a car with a guy who wasn't her brother a few weeks back. But there's a difference between thinking she's been dating seriously and knowing she's engaged.

It's not that I'm not happy for her. I am; I really am. We grew up together, but she was always younger than me. I was always the wiser one, the one with more life experience under her belt. But now ... she's gone places that I can only dream of. She's on her way to starting her new life, and I'm still stuck in this rut.

I'm not old, surely not an old maid, but somehow it feels so wrong. It feels only right that those who are older should get engaged/married first. I know it doesn't always happen that way. I know there are lots of older singles out there, singles who are a lot older than I am. I've always tried to imagine how they feel, but I've never succeeded. Until now. This girl is only a year younger than I am, and it still hurts to see her engaged before I am. How much worse it must be for those who are even older - when the new kallahs are 6, 7, 8 years younger!

There's comfort in knowing that each person has her zivug already set aside for her. Her chosson was not meant to be my chosson, and this time is obviously not the right time for me. My bashert is out there ... somewhere. Some time, hopefully soon, it will be the right time for me to meet him. Until then, Hashem, please help me get through this hard time while staying upbeat and with sensitivity to my friends. Please help me not lose hope, and most of all, make my marriage worth it.


Anonymous said...

This is so honest! When I struggled with infertility for years, it was very hard for me to be happy when I saw people pregnant. Then I felt bad because I wasn't reacting "properly". When my cousin had his 6th child I don't think I even told him mazal tov, I just said something like "thank you for letting me know." I wasn't rational. B'H I now have 6 kids, and IY'H you will find your beshert at the right time.

Staying Afloat said...

What a person davens for when they are honest shows so much about them. Your tefillah really touched me. May it all come true.

itsagift said...

This is a very hard thing to deal with. We wish things would go the way we like them to, the way we imagine life should run. It only makes sense that everyone should marry in order of age, but since it doesn't happen, we need to try and stay happy...
May you be able to have the strength you need to go through this and may you soon experience your own real simcha! And when you meet HIM, you will understand all that you had to go through to get there!

Something Different said...

I was thinking about this post when I was at a friend's wedding this week. She is two years younger than me and.... I won't deny that it's hard, shmoozing with all of her friends, many of whom are married, all of whom are younger than me...

On the other hand, it helps a lot to stay positive. Stay focused on the good things about being single, on the fact that your time will come when Hashem decrees, not a moment sooner or later...It does help. :-)

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