Happy Birthday to me

Today's my birthday, and I wanted to give you all a bracha. This does not represent my best (some of the rhymes are a little off), but I was a little rushed. I hope it comes true for all of us

May you be zocheh to
Amazing, wonderful things
To all the good in this world
That Hakadosh Baruch Hu brings

For all those who are married
Shalom Bayis may you have
And for those of us who are not (yet)
May we soon find our other half

I wish you to have clarity
In everything you do
May you see Hashem in everything
He should always be with you

May you see all your messages
And learn from them with haste
May you withstand all the challenges
With which we're inevitably faced

Health, hatzlocha, happiness
And everything that's Tuv
Y'malei Hashem kol mishalos libeich
May He answer you with good

Hard Times

You’re going through a hard time
How hard, I barely knew
I thought you could reach for me
So I didn’t reach for you

You needed me to stick by you
To lend my solid strength
I thought you could stand alone
That that’s what your distance meant

You needed a friend who could
Give to you of herself
But I spent my time only thinking
And dreaming of myself

I didn’t have the courage
To be who you needed me to be
I did what needed to be done
At best, half-heartedly

I didn’t have the koach [strength]
To be strong all the time
I didn’t feel a reason
To put myself on the line

I gave up on you just a little
Enough to dull my pain
At thinking of you struggling
At thinking of your pain

You’re going through a hard time
Harder than I knew
You aren’t able to reach for me
So I’ll have to reach for you

The Sun Ascends the Horizon

The sun ascends the horizon
As hope fills the silent air
A new day is beginning
A day precious and rare

The sun descends the horizon
On a day tired and spent
The question - was it worth it
Based on how well it went

The sun ascends the horizon
The light overtakes the sky
When it is clear as day
There can be no questions why

The sun descends the horizon
The shadows reach their height
Those doubts, which by day silenced
Now give voice into the night

The sun ascends the horizon
A dawn filled with hope and love
A day of new opportunities
A direct gift from above

The sun descends the horizon
As the day draws to a close
The night begins, darkness reigns
Yet the moon above still glows

The sun ascends the horizon
Because it is time for another morn
The sadness of the eve draws back
As a brand new day is born

In Memory of a Principal ....

This Shabbos was the yahrtzeit of Mrs. Rochel Reifer, my high school principal. She was hit by a car on a Friday night while on her way to a shalom zachor when I was in 12^th grade. The night I found out about her petirah (death), three years ago, tonight, I wrote about her. I also wrote this poem in her memory.

… Mrs. Reifer was always there for us in any way she could be. We each had a kesher, a connection [the theme of our yearbook was connections] to her that was different from our kesher to anyone else. We were her children in every way; she delighted in our happiness and empathized with our lows, just like our mothers. …

Mrs. Reifer was always so full of life, so enthusiastic and vibrant, that it spread to everyone around her. You couldn't be upset in her presence because just being near her made you feel better. She opened the doors of her heart to anyone who knocked, spreading the glow of her life to everyone. …

When I heard about Mrs. Reifer's passing, my first reaction was to sink to the floor in shock and say, "No, it's not true, it can't be true!" Even now, I wish I could wake up and realize that this whole thing is a dream, that she'll come into school and say in her adorable accent [she was English], "Girls, why the long faces?" But in my heart, I know this is reality. I know we have to go on, taking along her teachings and living by them. We have to live as she wanted us to live, and as she herself lived, so her life won't have been in vain.

A year of memories and of pain
A year of fighting to keep sane
How in the world can we go on?

A year of health and happiness
A year of little or no distress
That we take as we go on

A year of loss, those taken away
A year when everyone does say
How in the world can we go on?

A year of triumphs and of cheers
A year without a sign of tears
That we take as we go on

A year of not knowing where to turn
A year of not knowing for what to yearn
How in the world can we go on?

A year of laughter and of hope
A year of knowing how to cope
That we take as we go on

A year of sadness and of grief
A year of incredulity battling belief
How in the world can we go on?

A year of joy, laughter, and love
A year of feeling the One Above
That we take as we go on

The Window: an Addendum

My last post was about Ahavas Chinum, loving another for no reason other than the fact of their existence. This poem symbolizes one of the times in my life that I was able to live with the Ahavas Yisroel that I know we are supposed to have. I had been planning on posting this poem with that, but at the end it didn't fit. So, here it is:

You're looking out the window
Pain heavy on your heart
People going on their way
While your life just fell apart

People with their regular lives
Not knowing what had been
Just going on with what they do
Not knowing what's within

They see your face, tears in your eyes
And know not what to say
They fumble with their clumsy words
While you wish they'd go away

I know I can't properly express
The words that are in me
But know one thing -
Where you need me, I'll be

In Tribute to an Amazing Teacher

Every so often, a person comes across one teacher who makes a real difference in his or her life. These teachers are rare and few between, but when they come … This particular teacher was my Chumash teacher in 12^th grade. She lives in my neighborhood, so I've seen her often since seminary.

This teacher is a shining example of someone who doesn't consider her job done when her students graduate high school. After we all got back from sem, we felt bereft – no more shiurim on a regular basis. Someone, I'm not sure who, came up with the idea to ask this teacher to give us a shiur in Sichos Mussar every Shabbos. This teacher being who she is, she agreed immediately. The shiur not only became the highlight of my week, but that of everyone else involved.

Now we've stopped for the summer. I miss her smile so much; I miss the simchas ha'chayim that everything she did was infused with. And I can't wait to start again in the fall. We bought her the book With Hearts Full of Love by R' Mattisyahu Soloman as a goodbye present. This was the inscription we wrote:

One Simchas Torah evening
Some girls started to shmuz
"We're just back from Israel
And we need a shiur," they mused

"Shabbos would be perfect
Night or maybe day
Let's ask Mrs. Teacher
It'll be great either way"

They called up their מחנכת
She enthusiastically agreed
She couldn't wait to share with them
Life lessons that they'll need

And every shabbos since then
A pilgrimage is made
To 123^rd street
And the greatest shiur ever gave

Your simcha, Mrs. Teacher,
In life and all you do,
Gives us life to face our week
And your shiur is the how-to

We come to you for help,
For advice and just to cry
You pat us on the shoulder
And tell us how to try

Your interest in each of us
Is always so sincere
It makes you perfect for
Either choice of your career

A simple gift cannot convey
The impact that you've made
You've changed the pattern of our lives
In ways that will never fade


With Hearts Full of Love,
Your Talmidos

The Burden, part II

In my last post, I mentioned that I dealt with this in HS. This is what I wrote after that whole episode.

There’s a burden on my shoulders
That no one else can feel
There’s a burden on my shoulders
Intangible, yet so real

The burden is so heavy
It’s a yoke I cannot bear
The burden is so heavy
I’d drop it if I dared

The burden tries to beat me
But I won’t let it win
The burden tries to beat me
But I’ll fight it to el fin*

The burden tries to get me down
I can’t let it succeed
The burden tries to get me down
It cannot make me bleed

The burden battles to the death
Be it its or mine
The burden battles to the death
Yet walks the finest line

The burden has followed me
Through the life I’ve known
The burden has followed me
It won’t leave me alone

The burden will not go away
For life it’s here with me
The burden will not go away
So I’ll just let it be

*Yes, I know the Spanish is a little out of place, but may I remind you that I wrote this in 11th grade right before I took the Spanish regents

The Hallway

You're walking down a hallway
You know just what's to come
Yards and yards ahead of you
That you'll take at a run

But as you're happily strolling
You come to a sudden bend
You think, "wait, this cannot be
My hallway can't just end"

Then you realize it hasn't stopped
But undergone a subtle shift
What you thought was a nuisance
In reality was a gift

There may be days, years and months
Fraught with pain and strife
Remember they're just detours on
The hallway of your life