I'm scared of marriage.
I've said it.
I'm scared of the responsibility that comes with wifehood. The power that a wife has over her husband. The power to make or break him.
I want to marry someone in learning who will stay in learning ... for a while. How long that while will be will depend on him and me and the choices we will make together. But when I think about the future, when I picture myself with a nameless, faceless man at my side, I don't see him in kolel.
I see him working. As what? That's up to him. When? That's up to us. But definitely someday.
So when a bochur is redt to me, and he's a top learner, a true masmid, about whom people say that he could be the next gadol hador or Rosh Yeshiva, I get scared.
He may have the potential to be the next Rashi, but do I have the potential to be the next Rashi's wife?
And when I think about a marriage between me and this type of bachur, I think about the story of the Netziv as a boy. He had almost been apprenticed to a shoemaker. That night, he had a dream that he was in shamayim and saw the sefer HaAmek Davar with him as the author. When he told the malachim that he hadn't written this sefer, they asked him "Why not?" He decided to stay in yeshiva so that he would learn enough to write the sefer he was destined to write.
I'm scared to be the "apprentice-ship" of my future husband. Scared that I'll pull him away from learning and becoming the best he can be.
"חכמות נשים, בנתה ביתה; ואולת, בידיה תהרסנו"
Will I build?
Or c"v, destroy?
6 days ago